Where You End, and Others Begin.

Finding the Balance Between Connection and Boundaries

If you’ve been following DRIVEN’s current journey exploring Social Energy, you might recognize your potential to impact your neurochemistry, and that of others’, in real time. This knowledge can lead to better outcomes in every social interaction you have!

Today, we’ll start investigating an aspect of community building that often plays the role of a course correction rather than a thoughtfully laid foundation: Boundaries.

Whether it’s with your spouse, family, colleagues or friends, have you ever considered what you give and take in these relationships? I invite you today to ask yourself where you end and others begin. Let’s investigate the importance of setting boundaries, and how they can positively impact your social interactions and community engagements.

Enrich Your Emotional Energy: Consider Boundaries Liberating.

Think of boundaries as invisible lines that define our interactions and protect our personal space. These lines are crucial, not only in professional settings where job descriptions offer a clear framework, but also in personal and community spaces where boundaries can get murky.

From my perspective, boundaries can, in fact, be liberating! Once we’ve determined our boundaries, we feel freer to say “yes” or “no” to offers and opportunities knowing that we’re taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially.

When we don’t consider our boundaries, we can find that we carry too heavy a load, are doing too much, are giving away our power and energy, and are not maintaining our health. We can then burn out and become resentful.

Leverage Your Agency: Becoming Thoughtful and Proactive

As I always say, puppies and men CAN be trained. But seriously, other people treat us how we train them to treat us.

If you haven’t taken the time to reflect on what’s intrinsically OK (and what’s not), welcome to the club. I’ve reflexively said “yes” to requests too many times to count. My people-pleasing tendency historically left me angry at myself and frustrated when fulfilling the ask. And I now can humbly admit that my displeasure was blatantly apparent in the way I showed up.

So, how does someone create boundaries? The following prompts can assist you in identifying possible boundaries to preserve your positive social energy:

1. Assess Your Resources: Time, money and energy are finite resources. Ask yourself if a commitment aligns with your availability and capacity.

2. Check it Twice: Does the request light you up, or will it weigh you down? Are you being time ambitious? Do you have a lot on your plate, but tell yourself you can just “squeeze this in”?

3. Check in with Your Values: Is the request in-line with your values and priorities? Are you doing it because it’s right for you, or because you feel obliged?

4. Evaluate the Relationship: Who is asking for your time or effort? What is the nature of your relationship? How important is the ‘ask’ to the asker?

5. Consider the Ripple Effects: Reflect on the impact of saying “yes” or “no”. How will your decision affect you and others involved going forward?

6. Overcome Your Resistance to Saying “No”: Think about how you would use your time, energy and resources if you weren’t tied to this particular commitment. When you say “yes” to an ask, you’re saying “no” to opportunities that may yet reveal themselves.

7. Respectfully Decline: If you do decide to say “no”, be thoughtful and make the person feel appreciated and understood, even if you can’t fulfill their request.

Empower Yourself: Reflect and Strategize using some Common Intrusions.

Consider these shared scenarios where boundaries might be tested:

1. Your calendar is hijacked: A majority of my clients often have last-minute “meeting invitations” pop up on their calendars, with no consideration of what else may be there. I walk through a step with them that considers if they need to be there. So, ask yourself (or the planner) what you’re expected to contribute and take away from the meeting. If you’re essential to the gathering, how could you quickly determine times that are non-conflicting?

2. You say “yes” without negotiating: Everything that we do is a negotiation. Feel liberated to ask for what you need to make another’s request palatable, dare I say beneficial, to you. Is there a way to streamline a process, bring down a cost, better fit your schedule? Start with small asks in low-stakes situations to build your confidence.

3. You take on others’ emotional burdens: I’m guilty here, an I’m perpetually reminding myself that I can be supportive without emotionally absorbing someone else’s challenges.

4. You say “yes” when you want to say “no”: Bring to mind an instance when this still leaves you a bit sour. Compassionately reflect on why you felt compelled to agree. Practice ‘forward’. In the future, consider how could you say “no” in a kind and respectful manner.

5. Your confidential conversation was “shared”: Anger! STING of hurt. First, take a breath! Then consider how you can help the person understand why this is an infringement of your trust. Speak to the ‘confidante’ after you’ve regained your emotional equilibrium.

6. Your vulnerability is met with unkindness: Choose your confidants wisely. It’s okay to withdraw from relationships that don’t honor your vulnerability.

Consider Which Line to Draw.

Neha Sangwan’s concept of dotted lines, solid lines, and red lines can be particularly useful when assessing your boundaries.

• Dotted lines are flexible. While I like to be in bed by 10pm, if a dear friend or family member asked for my assistance past that hour, I’d cross that boundary, happily.

• Solid lines are clear and firm, indicating non-negotiable limits, like when someone waits until the last minute to request your presence at an event, but you already have other plans.

• Red lines are absolute boundaries that, when crossed, signal a need to reevaluate or exit the relationship.

Try it Out.

Setting and maintaining boundaries is essential for healthy, fulfilling relationships and community engagement. By being thoughtful and intentional about our boundaries, we can ensure positive interactions, protect our well-being, and foster trust and respect within our communities. Remember, knowing yourself, respecting yourself, and protecting yourself are key to building strong, meaningful connections.

So go ahead, take a moment to reflect on your boundaries, and start making conscious choices that honor your values and priorities. Start small; articulate your boundaries in a safe situation.

Stay tuned, as next month’s article will dive deeper into the topic of boundaries and explore how you can employ agency when your boundaries are violated. See you then!

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