Death By a Thousand Cuts.
Hi There,
This week, I’ll be part of Grant Thornton’s Black History Month webcast on “Understanding the Importance of Black Mental Health”. So, it’s no surprise that I’ve been thinking a lot about microaggressions and allyship lately. And I find myself troubled.
While I may intellectually understand how microaggressions affect Black Americans, I know that we each experience the world through our own lens. Microaggressions are triggers for some, while they barely register for others.
This brings me to my dilemma: my allyship attitude. As I continue to be an activist for equity, I know I will make mistakes. So, I must continue to learn from those mistakes. Yet, when I speak up, I may unintentionally be inflicting an emotional wound. Knowing that microaggressions can add up to “death by a thousand paper cuts”, the last thing I want to do is contribute to someone’s emotional pain. The new question becomes: How can I feel confident speaking professionally when I don’t know what’s going to inadvertently land wrong?
I was first outed for an offending insult in 2018, and it still stings. And while I was deeply embarrassed and frankly baffled at first, in hindsight the offended person’s perspective was clear as day!
I was hosting an OfficeHours session for 64 high-potential women in a male-dominated industry. These sessions are conversational, but on that day, NO ONE was talking. That is, until Zoe (not her real name) chimed in. She and I engaged in an evocative exploration of her experience, and it was great! At the end of the session, I thanked everyone for taking the time to attend, and “especially to Zoe for being my Vanna White”.
A week later, when I was told there was a complaint about my statement, I felt like I was sucker punched. As it sunk in, first I felt shame— to have potentially insulted or embarrassed a woman I highly respect. Then, indignation: How could somebody think I was demeaning Zoe by comparing her with the powerful woman who has to stay one step ahead of a guy reading from a card, all the while in high heels and walking backwards?
Then a profound sense of sadness enveloped as I realized that people sometimes assume negative intent, and it’s based on the listener’s biases. No blame here; it’s how the listener has experienced the world.
And in that sentence, I find my opportunity. I will choose to forgive myself and continue to actively widen my lens about bias. After all, generational bias is a real thing, too! I can do my best to “inflict no harm”, and when I do unintentionally offend, I’ll be humble in my apology and persistent with my education. I take this pledge seriously.
Additionally, I’ll share stories and ask others to share their foot-in-mouth moments. And going forward, I’ll thank people for “being my co-pilot”!
Would you care or dare to share a time when you inadvertently “messed up”?
Cheers!
-Deborah
Deborah Goldstein
DRIVEN Professionals / Forbes / Linkedin
info@drivenpros.com | LinkedIn
DRIVEN Professionals, 35 Adrienne Lane, Garrison, NY 10524